Sunday, July 4, 2010

I want to go home.

Today, the Middle Child informed Dan that I am not her mother and she doesn't have to listen to me. She comes here to "get a break" from being "bossed." Funny, I am her "mother" when I buy her clothes, shoes, bathing suits, food, and random crap at the Dollar Store. I am her "mother" when I take her to camp every morning and pick her up every afternoon, thereby interrupting my day and breaking my "work head." I am her mother when I try to teach her something or show her something, or take her someplace fun. But I am not her "mother" when I tell her not to "lip" me and to pick her fucking shit up off the fucking floor (not in those words, but close, sometimes).

I did  not want kids. I do not like kids. I like nothing about the "cult of the child" we have going on here in this country. I know it's hard when they are your own - when they are not, and you were raised VERY differently, it's impossible.

I have tried, but now I am done. I will do what I have to do to get through the next four weeks, weeks I LIVE for only to be ruined year after year in a place that I fucking hate. When Dan is not available I will drive her and pick her up, but I am done buying, done making lunches, done trying to have a conversation, done trying to "parent" and instill some sense of responsibility - it's useless, and I'm done. It's been two and a half years and I HATE dealing with this shit.

Dan's upset because I told him to take her to the fireworks - and that I was staying home because I do NOT feel like I am part of this family. He said, "Don't be that way." Well, maybe it's 30 years too late, but guess what - tonight I am going to be the miserable brat. I don't feel like sitting there listening to stupid chatter and pretending to care. I don't feel like snuggling up to my husband and being told - again - to "get a room." I don't feel like being around a 12 year old whom thinks she's 20 and acts seven.

I want to go home to Bristol. I want to have friends again. I want to not have children. And sadly, even though I love Dan with all my heart, I know that this isn't going to work out. I'm not cut out for this.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Hawks (almost) Ate My Dingo!

Apparently, the Red-Tail Hawk population is hungry, here in Dennis, Massachusetts. A few weeks ago, a hawk tried to snatch a Tea-cup Terrier out of someone's arms during a backyard party, and Sunday, it was Simon's turn.

It was a beautiful day, so we decided to take the twins and the dog to Drummer Boy Park to play on the new playground equipment and work on Simon's social skills. There's a huge open space at the park, and people come from all over to run their dogs (and their kids).

We'd been there about an hour when I decided to tie Simon to the play structure. I took out my book and sat next to where he was tethered while he wandered around on his lead. Zoey was getting her new jeans filthy in the sand pit while Dan pushed Riley on the swings - it was all very Norman Rockwell, until I looked up.

"Hey, guys, look at the hawks!" I shouted. There were two of them soaring around in the distance. Suddenly, there were two more. "Dan! Look! Two more!" Dan and I love to watch birds, and he came over and stood next to me. We watched them circle and soar. Then one of them began to call, and another called back. "That's so cool!" Dan said, as he'd never heard them call before.

We stood there for a few minutes and it because slowly apparent that they were moving in our direction. "Huh, they seem to be getting closer," I said, and I glanced back at Simon, who was rooting in the dirt under the slide. Then, they were not only closer, they were noticeably LOWER. I moved towards Simon, wondering if the bad feeling I had in my stomach was just silly. Simon is a small dog, but at 10 pounds, he's hardly a Yorkie. One of the birds called again.

Dan and I glanced at each other, and I honestly can't remember if I said anything to him, or if he just picked up on the look on my face. "Um, huh, they're, um, close...." About a second later, one of the hawks tucked its wings and pointed its head towards the ground.

At this point, I was quite certain that these hawks were thinking that Simon was lunch, and I am not kidding when I say that I moved over to shield Simon and mentally prepared myself to become Tippi Hedren.

The bird started a shallow dive and then pulled up - and that was all I needed to see. Dan watched in amazement as the birds got closer still, and I tried not to freak out. "Hon, I'm taking Simon!" I unhooked him as fast as I could, scooped him up, and hustled him to the car. Simon, not a fan of being carried, stayed absolutely still as wrapped my arms around him and bent my back over him.

"Holy shit! They followed you towards the car!" Dan said as I walked back to the playground. "They took off as soon as you got the dog in the car." I looked up, and there was no sign of them at all. Another couple witnessed the whole thing, and they shook their heads in disbelief. "I think they were going to attack your dog. Wow."

This whole scene took less than 5 minutes, and I don't think the kids - or the dog - had any idea what was going on. I'll tell you what - it was one of the most surreal, frightening (and in the intellectual sense, cool), things I have ever encountered.

Holy crap.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving

Just Dan and I again this holiday, which is really just fine with me. Mom went to Matthew's (God bless her), and since Dan just left for work, we weren't really going to be able to go "off Cape" and get back here in time.

We did turkey this year, and I have to say, it was tremendous. Too full to eat my pie just yet.

For all the whining and complaining I do, I am actually thankful for a few things. I'm thankful for Dan, who is just the easiest, most loving man alive, and my mom, and my cats. This year I get to be thankful for Simon (aka Glitter Dog). I'm thankful for the ocean outside my door, and I'm thankful to have even my uninteresting job in this horrid economy.

And I'm thankful to you, my internet friends.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, pie.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

I blew it!

Oh well, that didn't take long! I was exhausted and distracted last night, so I completely forgot to post. Good thing I am not being graded.

Because I am finding it really difficult to blog, I decided to take a look at my old blog - and the two Novembers I did manage to complete NaBloPoMo, to see what was so different those two years as opposed to last November when I blew it on day 9, and this year. And guess what? My LIFE is entirely different! Different job, different residence, different man - and you'd think that that would lead to more - and maybe even better - blogging, but you'd be wrong.

We all know how I feel about my job - or, more specifically, the lack of intellectual interest I have in my job. We all know how I feel about The Cape - or, more specifically, the lack of intellectual stimulation and female friendship I've found on The Cape. I know why I am tired, and I know why I am depressed, and I know why I don't blog anymore - but I never figured that Dan would also figure in this equation.

A lot of my posts were about Geoff. Geoff and I cached together, nearly daily, and that activity was a source of great happiness for me - and I think it's the thing that held he and I together for so long. Geoff was also maddening - he made me so angry and frustrated so much of the time, that I had plenty to "talk" about.

Dan is the exact opposite of Geoff, and that is a great thing, most of the time. I am so thankful that he is nice and kind and gentle, and that he NEVER makes me feel bad about myself, and that he is just a big mushy love ball. It's nice to be with someone who doesn't have to challenge me on every single fucking thing - but when nothing else in my life is a challenge, sometimes I wish he weren't so blase about everything.

Oh crap, is the bloom off the rose already!? Is it simply IMPOSSIBLE for me to just be fucking happy already!?

Dan makes me happy the vast majority of the time. But I think my life would be happier if we didn't have to depend on each other for 100% of our social stimulation. Neither one of us have met anyone that you could term a "friend." People here are not friendly, and they are certainly not looking to expand their social circles. I have tried. I talk to everyone I meet, hoping that there will be some sort of connection. It would be easier if there were any people here under 70....

I guess I'm lonely, which I am sure sounds awful since I do have a great husband. But I miss my BFF so much that it makes me cry (like right now). OMG! I'm crying! I have felt like bawling my eyes out for weeks, and I had no idea why! This is it! I miss Kris!

Well, I guess blogging's good for something....
(Apparently, I also miss therapy!)

Aren't you glad you tuned in for THAT?

Thursday, November 5, 2009


Too tired to write much of anything after spending all day on various and sundry computers, but I am proud to say that I formatted my desktop machine, reloaded windows and drivers, hunted down drivers I didn't have (such as the PCI ethernet card that replaced my onboard network that was fried in a thunderstorm), added gig of Ram, and now the thing runs like new! Damn good thing, cuz we're broke!

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

I suppose this is normal....

Sometimes I think marriage is boring. Why was it so much more exciting before? And where the fuck did all the sex go? Really? Yet another one who can't keep up with me? Sigh.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

I got nothing

So THIS is why I haven't blogged in months - nothing even remotely interesting going on in my life.

OK, Simon, my new dog, is a riot, and so cute I can barely stand it.

And, Doris, the house ghost, has been very active - she's stolen a roll of sports tape and my new mini-mouse (for my work laptop) this week alone. Items that I KNOW are in the house, but that we cannot find no matter how hard we look. Right this very minute she is turning my printer off and on. Seriously, the printer is going ballistic, and there is no reason for it - the connections are stable, and it's hooked up to the same power source as the computer, which is running just fine. This is my own fault - just a few days ago, Dan mentioned that she had been "quiet," so I said, out loud, "Doris! Are you still here? We haven't heard from you," and now my stuff is going missing and Simon barks and growls at the sun porch constantly, which is where Doris lives.