I've been spending most of my time working, and by the time I get home, the last thing I feel like doing is blogging. My work days are typically 10 hours long now, and while the time flies by because I have so much to do, I can't say that I am enjoying myself. I miss the days of part-time work and full-time caching, and now I have just devolved into a gigantically fat and out-of-shape workaholic. The weather has SUCKED OUT LOUD for MONTHS here, and as a result, Dan and I are just plain fat. I used to be fat but not too out of shape, and now I should lie down and die. Except that I don't have enough energy to get up in the first place. Naturally this has lead to depression which leads to ice cream which leads to fat which leads to depression and do you see where I am going with this? The fact that it has rained in some capacity 23 out of the past 26 days has not helped. June is half over, and summer is nowhere in sight. And since I live for summer, I am near suicidal.
One of these days, I'll post something happy! Today is not that day. I hate the freaking Cape of Cod. And I really thought I was going to love it. But I don't. And I'm trapped. And Dan loves it. And his job. And I don't. And if our marriage doesn't work out, it will be because I had to move to Hawaii once and for all, and he won't come with me. (Not to worry, Dan and I are fine, he's great, but with every passing year it becomes SO APPARENT that 90% of my unhappiness is weather-related - I LIVE for heat, so I am in the WRONG place - but Dan won't move away because of family, so I'm fucked, as usual.)
Anyway, sorry that I am crabby. I swear I'm not always crabby - but when I am happy, I am usually doing something that keeps me away from the computer!
Monday, June 15, 2009
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Happy Shave your Legs Day
Today was the first day in, well, forever, that it was warm enough for shorts. I also had friends visiting for the day (yay!) and a full day of caching and nature watching planned, so I decided it was "time" to shave the winter coat.
As a feminist hippie, I'm just fine with not shaving. But as someone who is too sensitive for their own good (on many fronts), I've learned that the obnoxious comments about my hairy pits is just more than I want to deal with. So, as a nifty compromise, I don't bother with shaving from September until spring. It's my personal "win-win," because I am just that easy to please.
Now none of this matters at all in the grand scheme of life, so I continue to be amazed by people's reactions to the way other people, and women people in particular, choose to conduct their personal grooming. One year I tried to go the summer without shaving, but the looks and the comments I received were just unbelievable, and ranged from staring to the occasional sneered "Must be a dyke." Seriously? Are we still stuck there?
The other male-female dynamic that I find interesting is that people (friends) always want to know how my partner feels about the hairy (pits in particular). It's like "Well, YOU may be ok with not shaving, but what does your man have to say about it?" as though my feelings on the matter aren't enough to justify my decisions. This always makes me chuckle, because I can say with 100% certainty that if I were involved with someone who flat-out could not handle some hair, he could flat-out take a hike. I can also say that while I have been involved with more than one macho type, NONE of them have ever bailed over the hair (which just goes to show that guys will say what they think their idiot friends want to hear, but they tend to be smart enough to know which side their bread is buttered on).
Naturally, my hippie husband couldn't care less about the state of my body hair - though he is plugged in enough to notice. When I was changing my shirt this evening he said, "Hey, what did you do with my wife?"
Happy spring to one and all!
As a feminist hippie, I'm just fine with not shaving. But as someone who is too sensitive for their own good (on many fronts), I've learned that the obnoxious comments about my hairy pits is just more than I want to deal with. So, as a nifty compromise, I don't bother with shaving from September until spring. It's my personal "win-win," because I am just that easy to please.
Now none of this matters at all in the grand scheme of life, so I continue to be amazed by people's reactions to the way other people, and women people in particular, choose to conduct their personal grooming. One year I tried to go the summer without shaving, but the looks and the comments I received were just unbelievable, and ranged from staring to the occasional sneered "Must be a dyke." Seriously? Are we still stuck there?
The other male-female dynamic that I find interesting is that people (friends) always want to know how my partner feels about the hairy (pits in particular). It's like "Well, YOU may be ok with not shaving, but what does your man have to say about it?" as though my feelings on the matter aren't enough to justify my decisions. This always makes me chuckle, because I can say with 100% certainty that if I were involved with someone who flat-out could not handle some hair, he could flat-out take a hike. I can also say that while I have been involved with more than one macho type, NONE of them have ever bailed over the hair (which just goes to show that guys will say what they think their idiot friends want to hear, but they tend to be smart enough to know which side their bread is buttered on).
Naturally, my hippie husband couldn't care less about the state of my body hair - though he is plugged in enough to notice. When I was changing my shirt this evening he said, "Hey, what did you do with my wife?"
Happy spring to one and all!
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Is it Spring, yet?
I think we have finally turned the corner - though it's been wet wet wet, it's at least getting warmer here. The peepers are out, it stays light past 7, and I feel a little less like killing myself.
Dan landed a pretty good job and started back to work this week, so he's been a lot more relaxed - and for that I am thankful. Dan, unlike me, is just a mellow, happy guy, and seeing him stressed made me sad for him. But even unhappy, Dan is simply the most wonderful guy. No matter what else is going on, our relationship is great. Thank god.
I haven't been blogging much - no shit - and I don't know if it's because I don't have the time I used to, or if it's because I feel like my readers must think I am just a giant ball of misery. It's funny - in spite of my struggles (whatever they are at the moment), I have always considered myself fairly happy. What!? Happy? Surely I must be kidding. But it's true. I laugh a lot, and for most of my life I have been known as "the life of the party" even though I have never "partied" in traditional terms. I'm kind, generous, and, believe it or not, optimistic. And maybe that's my problem - I am so optimistic, and by extension, naive, that every time something shitty happens, I always feel blindsided or disappointed. Does that make sense?
I think that's why this whole move and job has been such a hard transition for me - I really and truly believed that this was finally my time. A good job. A new place. Fewer money worries. A sense of pride and accomplishment. All of my study, hard work, and desire to make a difference being rewarded with some sense of peace. Ha.
I am working hard to move past the disappointment I feel and concentrate on the good things, and I am sure that the coming season will go a long way toward that goal. Ten minutes in the ocean is usually all I need to erase a day full of "meh." I am looking forward to kayaking with Dan on the beautiful salt-water river we live on, and I am hoping to get out on the trails for real this year so that I can drop at least a few of these depressed winter pounds. I can't wait for the sun to turn my skin from coffee to chocolate and my hair from black to golden brown. And I hope that this summer, people actually come visit us - there's a bed waiting for you on the sun porch.
Dan landed a pretty good job and started back to work this week, so he's been a lot more relaxed - and for that I am thankful. Dan, unlike me, is just a mellow, happy guy, and seeing him stressed made me sad for him. But even unhappy, Dan is simply the most wonderful guy. No matter what else is going on, our relationship is great. Thank god.
I haven't been blogging much - no shit - and I don't know if it's because I don't have the time I used to, or if it's because I feel like my readers must think I am just a giant ball of misery. It's funny - in spite of my struggles (whatever they are at the moment), I have always considered myself fairly happy. What!? Happy? Surely I must be kidding. But it's true. I laugh a lot, and for most of my life I have been known as "the life of the party" even though I have never "partied" in traditional terms. I'm kind, generous, and, believe it or not, optimistic. And maybe that's my problem - I am so optimistic, and by extension, naive, that every time something shitty happens, I always feel blindsided or disappointed. Does that make sense?
I think that's why this whole move and job has been such a hard transition for me - I really and truly believed that this was finally my time. A good job. A new place. Fewer money worries. A sense of pride and accomplishment. All of my study, hard work, and desire to make a difference being rewarded with some sense of peace. Ha.
I am working hard to move past the disappointment I feel and concentrate on the good things, and I am sure that the coming season will go a long way toward that goal. Ten minutes in the ocean is usually all I need to erase a day full of "meh." I am looking forward to kayaking with Dan on the beautiful salt-water river we live on, and I am hoping to get out on the trails for real this year so that I can drop at least a few of these depressed winter pounds. I can't wait for the sun to turn my skin from coffee to chocolate and my hair from black to golden brown. And I hope that this summer, people actually come visit us - there's a bed waiting for you on the sun porch.
Monday, March 23, 2009
OK
Remember me being on the fence about menopause? Well, I guess I needn't worry about THAT, as the other night's freak out was probably courtesy of teh hormones. Although, I can't blame hormones for Dan's middle-of-the-night "I want to go home" freak out last night. Like I said, it's been a long, tough winter for us.
Thankfully, he found out this morning that he has his job back for the season at least, and I know that will go a long way in easing his anxiety. Dan is a worker to the nth degree, and being unemployed since mid-October has taken a toll on him.
As for me, well, I am working on leaving work at work, and trying to let the insanity roll off of me. I was heartened by a great teen game program on Friday, with 26 kids in attendance, half of them new to the library. Several kids signed up for cards and took out books, and everyone had such a good time that they were begging me to extend the event for another hour. I was greeted by squeals of teenaged-girl delight when I announced that the next event will be a showing of Twilight on our big screen (and Dan, my YA program helper, bless his generous heart, said, "Cool! I really liked that movie!"). I mean, really, how much can I bitch when my 36 year-old heavy metal husband is willing to sit in a roomful of giggling teens just to make my life easier?
And just to show you how heavy metal he (and thus, his child) is, here's a picture of Zoey "giving horns" to the local rock station's parade float a couple of weeks ago at the St Patty's Day Parade that went right past our house.
Thankfully, he found out this morning that he has his job back for the season at least, and I know that will go a long way in easing his anxiety. Dan is a worker to the nth degree, and being unemployed since mid-October has taken a toll on him.
As for me, well, I am working on leaving work at work, and trying to let the insanity roll off of me. I was heartened by a great teen game program on Friday, with 26 kids in attendance, half of them new to the library. Several kids signed up for cards and took out books, and everyone had such a good time that they were begging me to extend the event for another hour. I was greeted by squeals of teenaged-girl delight when I announced that the next event will be a showing of Twilight on our big screen (and Dan, my YA program helper, bless his generous heart, said, "Cool! I really liked that movie!"). I mean, really, how much can I bitch when my 36 year-old heavy metal husband is willing to sit in a roomful of giggling teens just to make my life easier?
And just to show you how heavy metal he (and thus, his child) is, here's a picture of Zoey "giving horns" to the local rock station's parade float a couple of weeks ago at the St Patty's Day Parade that went right past our house.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Not. Going. Well.
Things here are on a downward spiral - which is definitely the wrong direction.
It's 5am and I have been up since 3:30. This is nothing new, really, except rather than it being my normal no-reason-for-it insomnia, I am ruminating about my job. I have been hoping and praying over the last 8 months that things would improve, but it's become increasingly obvious that it's not going to - and it's starting to affect both my mental and physical health. And the worst part is, I'm trapped. I moved my life and my new family here, and I am pretty much the sole financial supporter of this operation. I knew this would be the case going in, but I really and truly did not expect that this job would make me so incredibly miserable. And I don't have any options - I can't "go home," as there is no more work there than there is here, I can't find a job here that will support the rent you have to pay to live here (even with my good salary, we live paycheck-to-paycheck). I simply have to "suck it up"until I find something else, which could takes MONTHS - and I don't know how I am going to do that.
I'm sick over this whole experience.
It's 5am and I have been up since 3:30. This is nothing new, really, except rather than it being my normal no-reason-for-it insomnia, I am ruminating about my job. I have been hoping and praying over the last 8 months that things would improve, but it's become increasingly obvious that it's not going to - and it's starting to affect both my mental and physical health. And the worst part is, I'm trapped. I moved my life and my new family here, and I am pretty much the sole financial supporter of this operation. I knew this would be the case going in, but I really and truly did not expect that this job would make me so incredibly miserable. And I don't have any options - I can't "go home," as there is no more work there than there is here, I can't find a job here that will support the rent you have to pay to live here (even with my good salary, we live paycheck-to-paycheck). I simply have to "suck it up"until I find something else, which could takes MONTHS - and I don't know how I am going to do that.
I'm sick over this whole experience.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Autopilot and Inertia
Time just seems to be going by - and when my anxiety is bad, I just run on autopilot.
My 41st birthday was last Friday, and while Dan and I had a nice day, and he gave me some nice and thoughtful gifts, I just don't think I could have cared less about the whole thing. Which I found upsetting. Sigh. The highlight, though, was Dan, yet again, surprising me with my favorite cake - and I wonder why I am fat!
Menopause appears to be upon me - I have completely skipped a period (but am currently suffering from some heavy-duty PMS, so I expect the next one to show up). I spent many days worried, and approximately 3 minutes with my heart in my throat, but I am not pregnant THANK GOD (because, seriously, outside of a serious illness diagnosis, I can imagine nothing worse). And here's the kicker - I don't know how I feel about the whole menopause thing. I mean, after 30 years of pain and sickness and misery every 28 days, I should be thrilled. But I am having a hard time with the whole "getting old and drying up" thing. And getting old just seems to not FIT with me, as I can easily pass for 30, and mentally I am still in the 80s (the decade, people!).
But hey, maybe I skipped a period because of STRESS! Yay! More than anything I wish I could say that I like my job, but I don't. And that sounds bratty, because from what I've heard most people don't like their jobs, but I left a job I LOVED to come here. I'm still hoping that the problematic part gets resolved, because it overshadows my actual work, which isn't bad. On the up side, I feel like I am doing a good job, and I do get good feedback from plenty of people.
It's been another rough winter, but I am hoping that spring will not only bring the warmth and sunshine and long days that I crave, but maybe a friend as well. I miss my friends something fierce.
My 41st birthday was last Friday, and while Dan and I had a nice day, and he gave me some nice and thoughtful gifts, I just don't think I could have cared less about the whole thing. Which I found upsetting. Sigh. The highlight, though, was Dan, yet again, surprising me with my favorite cake - and I wonder why I am fat!
Menopause appears to be upon me - I have completely skipped a period (but am currently suffering from some heavy-duty PMS, so I expect the next one to show up). I spent many days worried, and approximately 3 minutes with my heart in my throat, but I am not pregnant THANK GOD (because, seriously, outside of a serious illness diagnosis, I can imagine nothing worse). And here's the kicker - I don't know how I feel about the whole menopause thing. I mean, after 30 years of pain and sickness and misery every 28 days, I should be thrilled. But I am having a hard time with the whole "getting old and drying up" thing. And getting old just seems to not FIT with me, as I can easily pass for 30, and mentally I am still in the 80s (the decade, people!).
But hey, maybe I skipped a period because of STRESS! Yay! More than anything I wish I could say that I like my job, but I don't. And that sounds bratty, because from what I've heard most people don't like their jobs, but I left a job I LOVED to come here. I'm still hoping that the problematic part gets resolved, because it overshadows my actual work, which isn't bad. On the up side, I feel like I am doing a good job, and I do get good feedback from plenty of people.
It's been another rough winter, but I am hoping that spring will not only bring the warmth and sunshine and long days that I crave, but maybe a friend as well. I miss my friends something fierce.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Random Updates
I have the attention span of a fly today, so it's all about the bullets.
- Mattress - went with the queen, and I'm almost wishing I bought the king. For as wonderful as my relationship with Dan is, we don't sleep as well together as we might. I am a horribly restless sleeper, and my constant up and down is a pain. He's a blanket hog - to the point that we have separate blankets, or else I end up naked in the middle of the night. We both snore, but since he sleeps like the dead, his snoring bothers me more than mine bothers him. But, the mattress is really comfy, and I have slept slightly better on some nights - and if I am awake, I am at least not uncomfortable while I lie there fuming. Both of our backs feel much better as well.
- Winter - I hate it and my nerves are about shot. Hate it.
- Work - was getting better, but lately has been miserable, and is keeping me up most nights.
- Facebook - takes up more time than I care to admit - when I'm home, I'm on it. But at least it's fun.
- Hobbies - I haven't had the energy for much, but I have done a bit more geocaching lately, and I have two photos showing this coming month in a juried show - the opening is Sunday, and I'm excited. I'll let you know if I win anything!
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