Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Is it Spring, yet?

I think we have finally turned the corner - though it's been wet wet wet, it's at least getting warmer here. The peepers are out, it stays light past 7, and I feel a little less like killing myself.

Dan landed a pretty good job and started back to work this week, so he's been a lot more relaxed - and for that I am thankful. Dan, unlike me, is just a mellow, happy guy, and seeing him stressed made me sad for him. But even unhappy, Dan is simply the most wonderful guy. No matter what else is going on, our relationship is great. Thank god.

I haven't been blogging much - no shit - and I don't know if it's because I don't have the time I used to, or if it's because I feel like my readers must think I am just a giant ball of misery. It's funny - in spite of my struggles (whatever they are at the moment), I have always considered myself fairly happy. What!? Happy? Surely I must be kidding. But it's true. I laugh a lot, and for most of my life I have been known as "the life of the party" even though I have never "partied" in traditional terms. I'm kind, generous, and, believe it or not, optimistic. And maybe that's my problem - I am so optimistic, and by extension, naive, that every time something shitty happens, I always feel blindsided or disappointed. Does that make sense?

I think that's why this whole move and job has been such a hard transition for me - I really and truly believed that this was finally my time. A good job. A new place. Fewer money worries. A sense of pride and accomplishment. All of my study, hard work, and desire to make a difference being rewarded with some sense of peace. Ha.

I am working hard to move past the disappointment I feel and concentrate on the good things, and I am sure that the coming season will go a long way toward that goal. Ten minutes in the ocean is usually all I need to erase a day full of "meh." I am looking forward to kayaking with Dan on the beautiful salt-water river we live on, and I am hoping to get out on the trails for real this year so that I can drop at least a few of these depressed winter pounds. I can't wait for the sun to turn my skin from coffee to chocolate and my hair from black to golden brown. And I hope that this summer, people actually come visit us - there's a bed waiting for you on the sun porch.

1 comment:

SUEB0B said...

I like you just how you are! You never seem too down to me.