Saturday, November 7, 2009

I blew it!

Oh well, that didn't take long! I was exhausted and distracted last night, so I completely forgot to post. Good thing I am not being graded.

Because I am finding it really difficult to blog, I decided to take a look at my old blog - and the two Novembers I did manage to complete NaBloPoMo, to see what was so different those two years as opposed to last November when I blew it on day 9, and this year. And guess what? My LIFE is entirely different! Different job, different residence, different man - and you'd think that that would lead to more - and maybe even better - blogging, but you'd be wrong.

We all know how I feel about my job - or, more specifically, the lack of intellectual interest I have in my job. We all know how I feel about The Cape - or, more specifically, the lack of intellectual stimulation and female friendship I've found on The Cape. I know why I am tired, and I know why I am depressed, and I know why I don't blog anymore - but I never figured that Dan would also figure in this equation.

A lot of my posts were about Geoff. Geoff and I cached together, nearly daily, and that activity was a source of great happiness for me - and I think it's the thing that held he and I together for so long. Geoff was also maddening - he made me so angry and frustrated so much of the time, that I had plenty to "talk" about.

Dan is the exact opposite of Geoff, and that is a great thing, most of the time. I am so thankful that he is nice and kind and gentle, and that he NEVER makes me feel bad about myself, and that he is just a big mushy love ball. It's nice to be with someone who doesn't have to challenge me on every single fucking thing - but when nothing else in my life is a challenge, sometimes I wish he weren't so blase about everything.

Oh crap, is the bloom off the rose already!? Is it simply IMPOSSIBLE for me to just be fucking happy already!?

Dan makes me happy the vast majority of the time. But I think my life would be happier if we didn't have to depend on each other for 100% of our social stimulation. Neither one of us have met anyone that you could term a "friend." People here are not friendly, and they are certainly not looking to expand their social circles. I have tried. I talk to everyone I meet, hoping that there will be some sort of connection. It would be easier if there were any people here under 70....

I guess I'm lonely, which I am sure sounds awful since I do have a great husband. But I miss my BFF so much that it makes me cry (like right now). OMG! I'm crying! I have felt like bawling my eyes out for weeks, and I had no idea why! This is it! I miss Kris!

Well, I guess blogging's good for something....
(Apparently, I also miss therapy!)

Aren't you glad you tuned in for THAT?


SUEB0B said...

Well winter is hard. The job sucking is hard. And making friends as an adult is hard hard hard. But keep at it. Go out, do shit, maybe you will find the person who will become your new friend.

Jessica said...

Suebob, I wish I lived near you. And Suzanne. OMG, can you imagine the three of us in one place?