Sunday, July 4, 2010

I want to go home.

Today, the Middle Child informed Dan that I am not her mother and she doesn't have to listen to me. She comes here to "get a break" from being "bossed." Funny, I am her "mother" when I buy her clothes, shoes, bathing suits, food, and random crap at the Dollar Store. I am her "mother" when I take her to camp every morning and pick her up every afternoon, thereby interrupting my day and breaking my "work head." I am her mother when I try to teach her something or show her something, or take her someplace fun. But I am not her "mother" when I tell her not to "lip" me and to pick her fucking shit up off the fucking floor (not in those words, but close, sometimes).

I did  not want kids. I do not like kids. I like nothing about the "cult of the child" we have going on here in this country. I know it's hard when they are your own - when they are not, and you were raised VERY differently, it's impossible.

I have tried, but now I am done. I will do what I have to do to get through the next four weeks, weeks I LIVE for only to be ruined year after year in a place that I fucking hate. When Dan is not available I will drive her and pick her up, but I am done buying, done making lunches, done trying to have a conversation, done trying to "parent" and instill some sense of responsibility - it's useless, and I'm done. It's been two and a half years and I HATE dealing with this shit.

Dan's upset because I told him to take her to the fireworks - and that I was staying home because I do NOT feel like I am part of this family. He said, "Don't be that way." Well, maybe it's 30 years too late, but guess what - tonight I am going to be the miserable brat. I don't feel like sitting there listening to stupid chatter and pretending to care. I don't feel like snuggling up to my husband and being told - again - to "get a room." I don't feel like being around a 12 year old whom thinks she's 20 and acts seven.

I want to go home to Bristol. I want to have friends again. I want to not have children. And sadly, even though I love Dan with all my heart, I know that this isn't going to work out. I'm not cut out for this.


SUEB0B said...

Deep breaths. Steps back. Kids are rotten. Young teens are especially rotten. I was rotten. I bet you were rotten, too. They only think of themselves and never of anyone else. That's just the developmental stage they are at.

I don't know what to tell you, other than to get some good advice from someone who has been through this shit. Do you want my friend Coco's email? She raised 4 kids that were not her own (incl twins) and I know it wasn't easy. Maybe she has advice.

But I think Dan is worth sticking around for, from everything you have said.

qing said...

Hi, I saw your blog while I was reading the comments on There's gg to be sacrifices whichever decision u make. Take care~and do whatever makes your heart rejoice :)

val said...

the rotten kids will get older, and go away, and you'll still have dan. i'm so sorry you're so miserable now though!

this too shall pass? :/

yeah, that didn't sound convincing to me either...