Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Autopilot and Inertia

Time just seems to be going by - and when my anxiety is bad, I just run on autopilot.

My 41st birthday was last Friday, and while Dan and I had a nice day, and he gave me some nice and thoughtful gifts, I just don't think I could have cared less about the whole thing. Which I found upsetting. Sigh. The highlight, though, was Dan, yet again, surprising me with my favorite cake - and I wonder why I am fat!

Menopause appears to be upon me - I have completely skipped a period (but am currently suffering from some heavy-duty PMS, so I expect the next one to show up). I spent many days worried, and approximately 3 minutes with my heart in my throat, but I am not pregnant THANK GOD (because, seriously, outside of a serious illness diagnosis, I can imagine nothing worse). And here's the kicker - I don't know how I feel about the whole menopause thing. I mean, after 30 years of pain and sickness and misery every 28 days, I should be thrilled. But I am having a hard time with the whole "getting old and drying up" thing. And getting old just seems to not FIT with me, as I can easily pass for 30, and mentally I am still in the 80s (the decade, people!).

But hey, maybe I skipped a period because of STRESS! Yay! More than anything I wish I could say that I like my job, but I don't. And that sounds bratty, because from what I've heard most people don't like their jobs, but I left a job I LOVED to come here. I'm still hoping that the problematic part gets resolved, because it overshadows my actual work, which isn't bad. On the up side, I feel like I am doing a good job, and I do get good feedback from plenty of people.

It's been another rough winter, but I am hoping that spring will not only bring the warmth and sunshine and long days that I crave, but maybe a friend as well. I miss my friends something fierce.

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